Roy F. Pelo
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Q: I often feel powerless, negative, depressive or have almost paranoid fears. How can I handle this? I know or feel it is related to my childlove, but I do not see why I'm so negative about myself. After all, I'm like that and everybody should accept it.
A: The most important and the beginning of your self-healing is that you accept your childlove. Asking from others what you yourself have not granted to yourself is silly. Nobody can really help you perform this decisive step. It is something like a gift you make to yourself - the gift of Selfhood. It is to see yourSelf as a unique being and accept your childlove not just as something special, but as a true privilege. I'm myself a childlover since more than 15 years, after an almost total emotional and sexual confusion before that time and a resulting total breakdown. It has taken me many years to accept mySelf and I have had lots of trouble because of my love, and cried my heart out of sorrow for all I went through. But at the end of the day I see that I am capable of feelings and insights about children that nobody around me even has a slight idea of. And this, and the creativity I derive from it is so beautiful, so fantastic, so wonderful and so miraculous that I can hardly express it in words. But - lots of work on mySelf had to be done so that I could cope with my paranoid fears, heal my terrible depressions and the trauma that resulted from all the mistrust, suspicion, aggression and even murderous attacks from ignorant beings. The miracle was that, once I had accepted my love and felt relaxed about mySelf, those same people who previously wanted to kill me, suddenly changed and began to accept me until the point to even protect me against still more evil guys. The miracle of life is that the outside world is but a mirror of our inside world. You can truly change your life by changing yourSelf and the way you look at yourSelf. Begin to see the light in you and the beauty of your love and do not indulge too much in reading the news and all the bad, vicious and ugly stuff published about childlove and what ignorant masses think about it! Stay in your own world and build this world every day anew. Selfbuilding™ is not only building yourSelf, but also building your whole universe which, if you are a true lover, will be a love universe, a loving universe. You have to begin inside of you, not outside.
Q: How to do this, practically? I see all this ugly stuff and face people who reject me. I have to protect myself and become so closed up by this, so utterly self-centered, not because I am so by nature, but because this society forces me to become like that, almost neurotic, and always on the watch. Security here, security there, it becomes an obsession in the long run.
A: As long as the fear is virulent, this behavior results as a sort of automatism. It is called 'defensive'. As long as you are defensive and not outgoing, you cannot really realize your love. You will be more and more closed up toward life and, strangely, life does not grant its sweetest fruits to those who are defensive and fearful, paranoid and self-protective, but to those who are carefree, outgoing and daring, bold and aggressive in a healthy sense. And I guess the one who most rejects you is you! Once you change that you will see the changes all around you. And you will meet more and more people who not only not reject you, but who find it truly enriching to exchange with you and to share with you about something they themselves want and need to talk about. Then you will see that the false friends around you will drop off one by one being replaced by your true friends, i.e. the ones that accept you as the person you are and not the person they want you to be.
Q: Well, yes, I observed that I more and more need to stimulate myself because I'm getting numb through this life in retreat, fear and self-protection. And the more I need pics, pornography and hot stuff to blow myself off with it so that for those moments of extreme pleasure I can forget this ugly world and all this repression. It's like I'm leading an ersatz life while I of course would prefer to have relations with real children and not fantasy children.
A: So what keeps you away from having these relations? Look, the pornography endangers your life more than it helps you. And it is a true ersatz, as you say, because it can never replace real love. So, go out and look out for your little mates, but do not keep any material at home that could endanger you or your loved ones later on. Believe me, I have gone through that myself, through all of that, and I have seen that it brings much more to have real relations with children that are perhaps not bringing you total fulfillment as you can have it in your fantasy, but on the other hand, you can touch a real hand and kiss a real mouth, and look in real eyes that reflect you what you are really searching for: love. And no law and no society punishes you for love! And besides that, there is no total safety anyway. Life is risk, and love is risk. Better take little risks in going out and living your love than staying home and breeding mental and physical negativity because doing this is a real risk for your long term health. And do not say that there is nobody on earth you can talk about your love. I thought the same and once I had changed and accepted mySelf I met guys I never thought they'd love children and they came to me, one after the other and kind of confessed their adventures with little ones, even guys who were living as heterosexuals, and others who had had opportunities, even within the family, and took the occasion to taste the sweetness of child sex. They all came to talk to me and were happy that I listened to them, and said "I never thought that once in my life I could tell somebody about this. I'm so happy you are here and listen to me for it incredibly helps me that I could get this out. It was on my heart for years and now that it's out I feel so much better. That's really wonderful!" This happened to me and it was like a miracle after all those years while I thought there is nobody on this earth that I could ever talk to or exchange with about my love.
Q: I feel that I can control myself pretty much and perhaps better than other people. I cannot imagine I would ever do a violent act to a child, even though I can fantasize about it. But I also know that when I'm getting angry I can at times lose control and that's kind of dangerous because it can pull me into something I would regret later on. I wonder why I can become so mad sometimes, so blindly mad while I'm most of the time a guy that others find friendly, kind and very little aggressive. How to cope?
A: The problem is perhaps that you do control
yourSelf too much, that your Inner
Controller is too strong. Typically, this goes along with being
rather a 'nice guy' toward others while inside of you you might feel
that too often others walk over your feet. You tolerate this because you
think one has to be gentle and kind while once in a while all the
repressed anger suddenly comes to the surface and explodes like a bomb.
The solution is to value your anger because every little anger is
healthy in so far as it signals us that others do lack respect toward
us. So value your little anger in order to avoid the big and destructive
anger that comes from choking down your little angers. But some of us
are so much over-controlled that they do not even feel this anger any
more. Instead, they might produce a depression (accompanied or not by
rape fantasies). Then some work on the Self is needed. If you still feel
the (little) angers focus on them and find out what exactly the reason
was for your feeling angry. And if you see that it was a particular
person who, by their disrespectful behavior toward you, hurt you, learn
to get this out in a socially adequate way, by getting in touch,
talking, telling them something like "Look, I respect you as a
fellow human, but I do not grant you the right to treat me like an
inferior creature. You have hurt me by doing [this or that] to me, and I
would like you to recognize this or I will cut relations with you, for I
do not allow anybody to treat me like this!" And if the person who
hurt you like this is your own mother, never mind. Being related in a
family does not grant us the right to hurt each other just because one
is 'mother', 'father', 'creator' or whatever.
Q: I know that you are offering various techniques in a program you call Selfbuilding. I also know that you offer email support for handling PedoEmotions and that you write about this matter. I saw that in the 3rd Volume of your trilogy 'The Deeper Yielding', you publish a 'Handle PedoEmotions' guide with a number of techniques like auto-suggestion or prayer techniques. That may all be helpful, but I think I'm not the kind of person that you can get turned on by stuff like that. I am deeply suspicious when somebody comes with any 'healing' approach because so much manipulation has been done and is done by docs to us, and this is really hurting me. Can you tell me how I can help myself without using such stuff?
A: First, please let me tell you that I'm not a
'doc' in the sense you think I am. I have no doctorate in medicine or
psychiatry but in international law. I used to be a human rights lawyer
and later a human resource and power trainer for corporations. This is
not a secret and published on the About
page of this site. There was a lot of guessing around about me and some
people who seem to especially like me posted on forums slandering
messages about me, like I was a police spy and nice stuff like that.
Others even posted messages using my name, and telling things about Childlove
& PedoEmotions that are exactly the contrary of what I say
and publish. Thus, people kind of felt I did something valuable here
since actually my site was very successful and they were jealous, to say
Q: I do not think that I'm totally self-reliant but I would like to. As I understand you, what you contribute is actually helping people for self-help and not making them dependent on any method of stuff. Is that right? And if yes, what is the core of your method or teaching or stuff? I think you should be outspoken about it. Is it psychoanalysis or therapy, or is it founded on religious belief. I mean when I hear 'prayer', my hair stand up and I'm getting revolted. There are enough old virgins on the Web who want to 'evangelize' us. Don't you think so?
A: Absolutely. Do I look like an old virgin? When
I talk about prayer I mean to use methods that connect with our
subconscious mind. This is not magic. You can retrace my methods in all
my writings because I do not plagiarize others. I tell where I get the
ideas from that I developed farther or that I used in a new way. The
prayer techniques have been developed by Dr. Joseph Murphy and a long
range of other scientists. If they revolt you, you do not need to use
them. There are many other methods, like writing a wish list, for
example, that may more appeal to you, and the effect depends on much
energy you invest in doing it, not in which technique you use.
Q: I see what you are saying. But it's true, sometimes I think it is really not 'normal' in some way to love children. I mean openly I would not say that and I even often say the contrary, but deep down there is sometimes a voice telling me that I'm not normal or that I'm marginal. Okay I accept this in some way or I get used to it. But this damn concept of 'normality' really is something that pisses me off in some way. It confuses me. What do you think?
Q: As you say, it leads to confusion. I would say
the concept itself is breeding confusion among people, and it leads to
war and fight about what - about words. Who defines what is 'normal' and
what is not? During the times of the Inquisition, the Church decided
about what is 'normal' intercourse and what is 'sodomy', for example.
They said that 'normal' is only procreative sex within marriage. Today,
this sounds utterly ridiculous to most people. So we see how this
concept of 'normality' changes through the times. So actually its
content is empty. This concept is a container concept. It contains
relative values, values that change in time and space. It is not
absolute. It's a chewing gum kind of thing for people to make rhetoric
and often, to tear others down in the ground.